I will be leaving Honduras on Wednesday, but hopefully not for good. I don't really know right now what the future will hold on my return to Honduras. I love this country and it has become as much a part of me as I have became a part of Honduras. I am not sure how returning to the US is going to affect me, but it will be a very difficult transition for me that is for sure.
My heart breaks for so many things right now. I am sad about my cousin, sad about the death of a friend, and even more sad now that my son has returned to the states and me forcing him to go back when he wanted to stay in Honduras. I had to insist though with the murder rate at 82 per 100,000 there is no way I am letting him stay here when he has a way out. So he went back to the states and he promised his friends he would return to Honduras and I am sure he will, he is after all more Honduran than he is American.
I have thought about all the things I will miss here and I am feeling very sorry for myself right now so I am going to write about the misery I feel right now over leaving Honduras. What I will likely miss most is the food here. I love the different foods, green fried bananas, chimol, ceviche, yucca with chicharrones, there are countless things...of course these things can be found in the US and are more common all the time as the community grows in the US, but the food for some reason never tastes the same as it does here. That said what I will truly miss the most are my friends and neighbors. Las Brisas is now a conflicted zone when it was very safe and hopefully soon they regain control of the community and plans are in action as I write this so most have whispered to me in about a year things should be settled down again. The community sad to see us go are all in agreement that we have made the best decision in leaving and that all of them wish they could transplant our little community to the US and I wish that too because it would be great to have all my same neighbors in the US with me, but that is impossible. I will miss walking to the 'pulperia' and talking to several people along the way or going to visit friends in the evening or even going to the local lady that cooks food and buying chicken and tajadas or a baleada. Listening to the kids pop fireworks at tremendously inappropriate times. I will miss the vegetable man with his cart and horse selling us potatos, tomatoes, green peppers, etc and listing for his cart to come by the loud speaker he speaks over. I will miss water being delivered to my house and will feel really wierd about drinking out of a tap....I can see the looking for wierd stuff coming out of my tap now..and nothing happening in the states...here my water ran from brown to yellow and occasionally clear..but usually never without floaties...oh well wierd the things I will miss. I will miss having wall to wall ceramic flooring. I love my ceramic floors and hate carpet. I will miss living in my two story house and standing on the second floor patio looking out over the neighborhood and being able to see the Merendon from there. I have made my decision but sort of regret it in a way, but I know this is the best thing even if it is killing me inside. My heart is broken I love it here. I never wanted to return to the US, but I never dreamed the mess Honduras would become. I will miss watching the kids play soccer and my son running around shirtless after the soccer ball. Remind me why I am doing this again?
The things I won't miss are the violence and pain that have been caused by really bad people. I miss my cousin and want him back, but know that is impossible in my heart. I miss David and I miss so many things...but I have to go back to the US and start over. I will miss my life here, but I will have a new life that I am not sure is going to be as I would like in the US. I will be with someone I love dearly which counts for a lot.